FUBARgenre: The Genre of Fubar

Guile is a blogger who moonlights as Paperbag. He also happens to be the bassist of Hastang and my strongest rival for Mark’s affections. I have reason to be just the slightest bit insecure as far as the latter is concerned. Guile’s been in Mark’s life for nearly 2 decades, his hips are narrower than mine, he has more things in common with Mark, and he isn’t bad-looking either (in a very Guile sort of way - heh). Petty rivalry (call it what you will) notwithstanding, I’ve learned to love Guile as much as Mark does. He’s the brother I never had. Or, more often than not, the son I hope I’ll never have.

10 Things You Should Know About Guile

1. He is the very epitome of his name - Guileless. Take away his oversized red tie (which is sooo Green Day, by the way), his signature punk getup, and his perpetually brushed bangs, and he’s still Guileless in so many ways. Talk about an artsy-fartsy writer slash musician who has no clue about life. That’s Guile for you.
2. The title of the song “Virgin’s Orgasm” was changed to “Guileless” to fit the tempo of the times. But circumstances have changed, and Hastang’s fans are now clamoring for a new title.
3. Don’t tell anyone, but this guy works for pizza. I used to manipulate him into working over time (filing all those pesky papers on my desk) for a mere box of pizza. I imagine he’d work for a lot less, too, if you know which buttons to push. *push, push, push*
4. Contrary to what he believes, I don’t find him funny at all. In fact, I find his humor quite pathetic. I laugh not because his jokes are funny, but because their utter lack of merit is too pitiful that you can’t help but find it hilarious.
5. He managed to stay single for 27 long and painful years. (see number 2)
6. The entire island of Cebu rejoiced when a certain Bicolana stole his innocence. Celebrations lasted for more than 6 months. Seriously.
7. His creativity knows no bounds. His ability to create mind-blowing riffs still gets me all hot (in a non-sexual sort of way). “Trick of Light”, a song for which he wrote both the lyrics and the melody, still remains one of my favorite unreleased songs to date. He also co-wrote (with Mark) the melody for “When Misery Speaks”, and, with sexy vocalist Tessa’s help, crafted the basic riffs for nearly all of Hastang’s songs.
8. Before Hastang came into being, he and Mark shared top billing in such haphazardly-named bands as Kortogoks and the Squaborn Sprakataks, The Remedies, and Squirrel Talk. And oh, way before they pledged allegiance to the god of rock, they played beautiful music together in church. Can you imagine?
9. Apparently (and I say this with “majestically arched eyebrows,” as he so eloquently puts it), Guile is the most attractive of all of Hastang’s male members. He exudes this rocker dude aura that the members of the rock-worshiping female species find so darned sexy. Hastang’s Manila debut marked a debut of a different sort - Guile’s first bold step into the heart of fan-chick-dom. The rest of us gaped in awe (and to a certain extent, disgust) as gigly girls in short skirts harassed Guile for his autograph.
10. As popular though he is among the female lot, he is very much in love with that certain Bicolana who stripped him of his innocence. Temptations have taunted him in the form of post-gig drinking sessions, onstage hoot calls, and even blatant gender-transcending flirtations, but Guile maintains a safe (if not indulgent) distance from his fans. As fond though he is of cheating in cards, it has never crossed his mind to cheat in the game of love. After all, for someone so clueless, corny, dorky, and so obviously unhinged, he’s lucky that there’s a ZsaZsa in this world who’s willing to put up with him.

Note: This is the first installment of The 10 Things Series.

*You might also want to check out: 10 Things You Should Know About Fruhlein | 10 Things You Should Know About Xyzha | 10 (More) Things You Should Know About Xyzha | 10 Things You Should Know About Jojo