FUBARgenre: The Genre of Fubar

What should you know about Jojo? Hmmm. That depends. Are you an infatuated female caught in his web? A slighted lover thirsting for vengeance? A colleague hoping to learn the secrets of his success? A friend desperately trying to understand the paradox that he is? A chronicler wishing to document his fascinating life story? Or an admirer, who, ten years from now, would willingly put the fate of this country in his hands?

Ironically, I am reminded of that old anecdote about six blind men and an elephant. Wanting to know what an elephant looks like, they each proceed to touch a part – but only one part – of the huge beast. Naturally, when they later compare notes, they find themselves in complete disagreement with each other. An elephant is like a tree branch, one argues. No, it’s like a wall, says another. It’s a pillar, insists yet another. And so on and so forth.

The point being, Jojo resembles an elephant. Uhm, I mean Jojo is a huge beast. Er, what I’m trying to say is that to really get to know Jojo, one must experience him from all angles (if that’s even possible).

So multi-faceted is his personality that to restrict it within 10 bullet points (as the format of the 10 things series dictates) seems like a grave injustice.

How multi-faceted exactly? Hmmm. Let me count the ways…

1. There is the Earnest Jojo who has devoted his life to alleviate the ills of our society. The Jojo who has braved violent mobs in pursuit of the righteous path. The Jojo who sends passionate text messages about his stance on current issues, believing to this day that he can still sway us, his capitalist friends, from apathy. The Jojo who has spent the past 7 years of his life working with farmers in the nether regions of Mindanao, defying all odds with his passion, idealism, and unwavering belief that one person can still make a difference.
2. In sharp contrast, there’s the Señorito Jojo, the Jojo we have yet to meet but have heard so much about. Rumor has it that this Jojo owns half of Biliran, is heir-apparent to an illustrious political clan, and reportedly lord of his own kingdom. Ask him this, and he’d vehemently deny it. (One almost suspects that he’s a little embarrassed to admit that his kingdom, the tiny island of Biliran, disappears when the tide rises. Dear people of the beautiful province of Biliran: I mean you no offense. This is a private joke. Jojo should explain. )
3. Of course, there’s also the Sensitive Jojo who can listen to you rant for hours and hours about your own personal problems – listen intently without judgment or prejudice – and then simply give you a big warm hug to let you know that you’re not alone. The Jojo who would tell you to “Focus, focus, focus!” when your whole world comes crashing down. The Jojo who would stand by you in your bleakest hour, and make you see the silver lining in the darkest of clouds. The Jojo who would gently break your heart by rejecting your marriage proposal, and then fly to Cebu the very next day to help you cope with your suffering. (love you, Bon! )
4. Then there’s the Romantic Jojo who tends to wax philosophical about the moon’s pulchritude (his favorite word, second only to efflorence), or the seeming insignificance of sunsets, or the cold indifference of the rain even (long story). This is the same Jojo who has spent the last decade pining after she-who-must-not-be-named, and has once declared, in a fit of inebriated frenzy, that in spite of the pain she caused, he will “take her back” if she comes running back to him after 10 years and 10 kids. He forgets, of course, that he cannot reclaim what was never his in the first place. It comes as no surprise, really, that in some parts of the world (particularly in Genee-ville and Bonita-land), Romantic Jojo is also known as Idiotic Jojo.
5. Horny Jojo, on the other hand, is the legendary alter ego of Romantic Jojo. This Jojo has (what’s the word?) deflowered countless virgins, conquered infinite deltas, corrupted innocent souls, and boldly went where no other men dared go. The latter is not an exaggeration. You have no idea. Since I’ve sworn to keep this blog wholesome (define wholesome again?), I’ll leave it at this: think of Jojo as a diver plunging deep into a gaping crater of hot, swirling, pungent dinuguan. (Note: If that image makes you hungry, there’s something seriously wrong with you.)
6. That same Horny Jojo, by the way, fancies himself as a Romeo of sorts. He thinks he’s every woman’s Don Juan, and (consciously or unconsciously) portrays the “Knight in Shining Armor” role to perfection. Such delusion has, quite frankly, churned out disastrous results in the past. Believe me, the most sensible of women have cracked up under the intense pressure of loving Jojo. Seemingly strong women have threatened suicide. Middle-aged virgins have relinquished their innocence. A best friend temporarily lost her sanity. Self-respecting women have morphed into obsessive stalkers and chronic liars, desperately trying to ensnare Jojo with pregnancy scares and whatnot. All because Jojo refuses to relinquish the key to his heart. For it, he insists, already belongs to someone else.
7. Thus was born Heartbreaker Jojo – renowned for his conquests, notorious for his philandering ways, reviled for the ripples of female suffering he leaves in his wake. In other words, an unapologetic male gigolo. A man whore. Everyone’s fuck buddy. A modern day Casanova. Of course, he’s quick to blame the pain of “her” rejection for his emotional paralysis. We’re all waiting, quite frankly, for this lame excuse to run its course.
8. A rather disturbing spin-off of Heartbreaker Jojo is Voyeur Jojo, the sick Jojo who loves mass-sending his semi-nude pictures to torture his friends. To date, the “Agta in White Briefs” picture still gives me nightmares of the worst kind. (Please, Jo, please let me post it here!)
9. Compared to Voyeur Jojo, Quotable Jojo is a fairly decent guy to know. He’s a poet who spouts such cryptic truths as, “How could the moon tonight be so mocking in its pulchritude?” in the most unexpected of moments. It’s difficult to decide, however, if such words are either profound or just plain pathetic:
   

   “It’s better to have loved and fucked. But, it is even better to not have loved but fucked just the same.”
   (Jojo on his conquests, June 5, 2006)

   “Wala nang kabuluhan ang sunrise para sa akin.”
   (Jojo on life and meaning, sometime in 2006)

   “I’ve tested the limits of my humanity; so, I guess, my threshold for perversion is high.”
   (Jojo on his decadence, 2006)

   “If I have not learned enough from that harrowing experience, then everything was for naught. You don’t ignore and summarily dismiss 8 years of life’s valuable lessons from an experience that almost relegated you to the bottom of the precipice. And have left you grappling with life, love, and meaning.”
   (Jojo on moving on, February 12, 2007)

10. And then, last but definitely not the least, there’s the Jojo that we all know and love. A hodgepodge of all these Jojos. A cluttered buffet, if you will, of all of his best and worst qualities. The Jojo from our old UP Diliman days, best remembered for his G-string bikini briefs and still ridiculed for his infamous 5 in Math 17. The Jojo for whom I would wake up in the ungodly hours of dawn to pick up at the airport, knowing fully well that a single weekend with him would make up for an entire year of silence. Jet-setter Jojo who flits in and out of Cebu in brief spurts, but still manages to remain a major part of our lives. Ridiculous Jojo whose car-shitting antics are known far and wide, thanks largely to Bon’s enthusiastic reporting. Fanatical Jojo with his fervent tirades, silenced only by Gen’s carelessly thrown “So?” Idealistic Jojo who wants to change the entire world. Impassioned Jojo who cares too much that we can’t help but mock him endlessly with our apathy. Passionate, pathetic, unfortunate Jojo. So in love with the idea of love. So seemingly desperate for closure, yet so unwilling to let go. Stupid, reckless Jojo. Still a gigolo. Still a whore. Still a lost little boy. Still so utterly absurd, yet so inexplicably admirable in so many ways. And believe me when I say that this Jojo will one day lead this country to greatness. Seriously. Think about it.

Note: This is part of The 10 Things Series.

*You might also want to check out: 10 Things You Should Know About Guile | 10 Things You Should Know About Fruhlein | 10 Things You Should Know About Xyzha | 10 (More) Things You Should Know About Xyzha |

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